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Utter shite from England - nervous as a virgin on a first date. Toby Flood of disaster misses touch with a penalty... then slices the return into touch on about the 22.

Lots of 'Swing Low...' running right through the dance routine... even TV can't pick up the meaningless chanting from the Kiwis.

Let's hope the New Zealand team put more effort in their little dance routine than they do into the national anthem - I can't see Simon Cowell rating this bunch too highly.

The maul, RIP

Good theory from Shaun 'the Traitor' Edwards on why England are crap vs the southern hemisphere teams - it's the ELVs stupid. He basically argues that England's strength was always the forwards, and particularly the maul. Now that the IRB has effectively outlawed it England can't get much advantage there and it ripples down through the team. Much worse for England is the fact that the conveyor belt that produces great mauling forwards is still going full strength when everyone else is producing fast fit forwards that can get about the park a bit.

England well beaten yet again. They're going down big time in this series - but India really are an exceptional 1-day team at home. I can't see them losing many series over the next few years.

India's run rate continues at almost 7 an over... the pace only pausing slightly as Tendulkar is bowled by Harmison. England need another 9 wickets like that one very soon...

Crap first over for Swann, who's brought on during the power play... he's gone for 21 runs... all for Sehwag who gets to his 50 in 40 balls. This is getting embarrassing now and it looks like the game is over less than a quarter the way through India's innings.

Big start from India with Harmison serving up some utter tripe. One sits up nicely for Sehwag with 'hit me' written all over it. Safely dispatched to the boundary. India on 32 without loss after 5 overs.

England reach 270/4 giving a little more of a target for the bowlers to defend. Acceptable but not spectacular.

KP gets his ton, rather slowly towards the end. Score now 253/4 with 2 action packed overs to come...

England now 207/4 with KP on 86. This isn't really fast enough scoring unless India are going to 'do an Australia' and in effect give up playing when they know they've already won the series.

Fabio Capello vs Martin Johnson

Just as it looks like the young turks at the FA have got the right man, the old farts at the RFU are trying their best to remain firmly rooted in their grand tradition of 18th century nepotism. So far it's had pretty different results for the two men concerned... Fabio Capello is riding a wave of optimism not seen since Bobby Robson's time... Martin Johnson has just guided England to a record defeat at home to a side that Scotland almost beat.

Here's a quick comparison of Fabio Capello and Martin Johnson looking at the relevant and irrelevant points on their CVs...

Age: Capello 62, Johnson 38

Management experience: Capello has been managing the greatest clubs in the world for the last 17 years; Johnson once worked for banking giant HSBC, glowering at people.

Management acheivements: 5 Serie A titles (Milan, Roma), 2 La Liga titles (Real Madrid), Champions League (Milan) is a good start for Capello prior to his first national team appointment with England. Johnson hung around the corridors of Twickenham for 2 years before getting his current job - clearly a sign of a man that will wait his time and is comfortable with Machiavellian politics.

Management style: Capello is a hard-nosed geezer that tells people how it is and gets them doing what he wants... even Rio Ferdinand and John Terry have said it's a breath of fresh air after Steve Van McLaaaren. Has Johnson had enough time in management to develop a style? I can only imagine it involves glowering at people for long periods of time.

Respect from players: Capello's earned it the hard way - strict discipline and straight talking has converted even the biggest skeptics. Fortunately this is one area that Johnson can take for granted - he was pretty much the most respected captain in England history and nobody's going to mess with him.

Personal life: Capello has been married to his childhood sweetheart for over 40 years and has an art collection reputably worth £17m. Johnson is also married but has less expensive taste, preferring to decorate his house with flat screen TVs and Sky boxes.

Pay: Capello allegedly takes home about £6m a year for taking on the most stressful job in world sport, Johnson most likely gets around £250k which, for the sake of his mortgage, likely doesn't include win bonuses.

So what is this buying the FA and RFU? A quick look at the winning % as manager of the national teams shows Capello 80% (8/10), Johnson 17% (1/6) ... it's early days yet for both managers and this time next year could easily see the roles reversed: such is the way of English sport. Right now I'm prepared to give Jonno a chance (not that I have a big say in it) but he's going to have to show some decent progress in the 6 nations and at least avoid a cricket score against New Zealand on Saturday.

Danny Care's delivery - more pony than Pony Express

Habana's lost his marbles... or shrewd move?

He's talking up the England team as world beaters... it can only mean two things: he wants a British passport or he wants to play for an English club.

Flintoff says cricket practice not cash is main reason to join IPL

You get the feeling that the England cricketers are somewhat bored by their trip to India - there's plenty of time to gas bag with the press. Here the Guardian makes the strange case that Freddie wants to play in the IPL because England won't be so shite at ODIs again... sounds like tripe to me... how does slogging practice help with the more measured 50 over game? Admit it Fred you're in it for the money - a bit more honesty from the England team would help right now.

Clive Woodward is the latest to be seen sharpening knives in his shed... "The England team since 2003 has just generally been going down a slippery slope.", he said with a vicious glint in his eye.

Utter garbage from England today. Despite dominating possession and attack they manged to score just 6 points whilst gifting the Springbox 42. Martin Johnson must be fearing for his job and rightly so - promoting an amateur to the best paid job in world rugby was something only the 52 old farts at the RFU could do. I'd rather have Will Carling.

Jonny Wilkinson has found Buddhism over the last year - now claiming it has helped him find 'inner calm'. Perhaps this new found enlightenment will lead to reincarnation because he's going to need that if his 'life chum' / coach is anything to go by: Steve Black said "I think Jonny is probably going to reach his best when he is 33, 34, from a playing standpoint. Because he has looked after himself so well, I could see him playing on until he is 38, 39, 40."

What's happening at Arsenal?

Players arguing on the pitch; a captain in effect calling his players cowards; losing more games than Spurs recently. Is Wenger strong enough to sort out this mess?

Ronaldo: I should have top 3 places in world player of year

Nothing like talking yourself up a bit...

Harmison lets the last over go for 18 runs bumping India up to an almost unchaseable 292-9.

India looking to post another big total here... 185-4 after 35 overs. They must be looking at almost 300 again. Considering England had India at 29-3 at one point...

England need leaders not B-list celebrities

A comparison of Cipriani, a man who came off the field on Saturday and used the word 'enjoyed', to Wilkinson, a man who would have come off the same field and blamed the entire loss on himself. Similarly Borthwick said in post-match comments that there were 'positives' - would Johnno ever have done the same?

28-14 to Australia. England need to address a few things to avoid being whitewashed by the Southern teams:
- Cipriani is not the complete package just yet, but probably worth persevering with... give him more game time and he'll likely start to pay off... especially if he can play behind some more 'England' forwards
- The rest of the backs didn't really get much ball and were surely primed mainly for attacking rather than defending - something they generally did quite well
- The forwards were shite for the most part. The scrum was a disaster zone - surely Jonno could have sorted that out before play began? Sheridan completely outplayed - one suspects there's more to it than that... is it the dwarf hooker that is the problem or the lack of push from the second row.
- Leadership - where was it when needed to impose some discipline? Borthwick just doesn't seem a big leader in the Johnno mould but is there anyone else?

So the Irish go down to the All Blacks... 3-22. In theory this was a great opportunity for the Irish but in the end they were nowhere near.

Bollocks. Ireland manage to give away a penalty try right on the stroke of half-time. Nice move by Tommy Bowe to prevent the parrot from scoring - effectively knocking the ball out of his reach and into touch right on the try line. Pretty clear penalty try really. Ireland trail 3-10.

Come on Ireland. 3-3 now. Hold on to half time then big effort in the second half. New Zealand, being well known for choking, are going to have to work hard to win this one.

Great break by Wallace - dodges 3 or 4 black shirts but gets a fat zero support. He's got to be odds-on for the Lions starting berth.

Ireland holding up well after 15 minutes - it has been pretty much one-way traffic - 62% of the game played in their half so far. But they've survived a few scares and starting to give it some.

Final score Scotland 10 - South Africa 14. Came very close at the end - camped on the try line. If they'd brought a kicker they might have won.

Who's this Scottish kicker? He's rubbish. With Scotland 10-14 down why gamble when your kicker can't get it between the posts from even 10 yards out.

England continue to hand out penalties like sweets to schoolchildren. They're going to lose this now - 14-21 down.

Cipriani makes a great break... England fart around and eventually Cipriani makes a complete fuckup of a drop goal attempt.

More indiscipline at the start of the second half. You now have to start questioning whether Borthwick is really the right person to lead England - he's been responsible for giving penalties away and has failed to stamp some discipline on that team.

So are Scotland going to win this? 10-0 up at half time. Come on Scotland.

England trailing 11-12 at half-time. It should really be very different - all Australian points coming from terrible England discipline. This is worse that France in the early '90s - at least they gave away penalties for punching rather than this poor England effort where penalties are being given away for blatant offside and other stupid stupid errors. I'm sure Martin Johnson is incandescent with rage right now.

Sports journalism in New Zealand has a big mountain to climb...

You have to read this article, actually titled "25 reasons the All Blacks are simply the best", to understand the state of journalism in New Zealand... it should really read "25 random things I wrote down whilst I was having a quick shit". I look forward to the "25 reasons for choking at the World Cup", at least they might spend some more time on it.

It's been a quiet week from the big country with big mouths - even ocka John O'Neil the cocky loudmouth that usually 'hates' England has shut up shop. Without any quotable lines from down under the newspapers have been stuck with writing real articles looking at the battles that matter:

Danny Care vs Luke Burgess at scrum half - both overhyped and ready for a fall.
Tom Rees v George 'The Burglar' Smith - who can perform the most illegal actions at the breakdown and get away with it
Danny 'Glamourboy' Cipriani vs Matt Gitaeu - after playing shite last week will England's latest prodigy get taken to the cleaners?

Big win for India - you can't start a series better than that. India 387/5, England 229 all out. Quite how KP's going to deal with this is another question - he's an up for it kind of chap so some of his men can expect a good shoeing.

So India reached 387/5 with Yuraj smashing some golf shots around for an individual 138.

Surprisingly England have scored more than 387 - against Bangladesh in 2005 when they got 391. However this is a different world and with 33 off the first 10 overs they need a miracle.

The only saving grace for England is that India's score is only the 11th highest in all ODIs which means that England won't be too embarrassed in the top 10 lists which, apart from the freaky J'burg game between Australia and South Africa in 2006 (both teams scoring 430+), contains a fair sprinkling of Netherlands, Ireland, Kenya etc.